HOW TO IMPRESS NORTHERN CALIFORNIAS BECAUSE YOU ARE FROM A COLD, OR OTHERWISE INHOSPITABLE CLIMATE.
by Dr. Centeno
Hello everyone. My name is Dr. Centeno, and I’m here to discuss a phenomenon I recently experienced while visiting my beautiful girlfriend for the first time ever in sunny Marin County, California (we met one year ago over a certain fan message board on the ‘net. Maybe some other time I will write a guide on how to meet beautiful women who have interests similar to yours, like Jeffa Mangum16, my girlfriend). The phenomenon I am talking about is when it is warm outside in the wintertime! In California there is NO SNOW AT ALL in the winter, and get this: instead of snow, there is sun almost all the time, except when it’s raining. You did not hear wrong, folks. I know a lot of you reading this in cold climates can’t believe your ears right now, and that's just the thing.
I myself was raised in good old home sweet home New England, and some folks just don’t know the meaning of “New England winter”! I made it one of my missions when I was in California to educate the nice people about the true meaning of cold weather. I got pretty good at it, too. Now I am going to share what I learned so you folks can try it too if you ever come to beat the frost.
The first thing you’ll notice out here is anybody from a cold climate will talk about how warm it is, and how cold it ISN’T at least once per day. It doesn’t really matter the temperature at the moment. For us New Englanders, I’d say this is probably our second most favorite thing to talk about, ever. I’m not sure what #1 is, but whatever it is it’s a pretty close race. This is a great way to meet other New England folk, and an excellent way to impress California natives. On most days I talked about the winter five times easily, talking to a different person every time. Also, this was before I was even being intentional about it. You can get away with ten if you aren’t hanging out with your girlfriend all day.
People around here will say “hey, it’s cold out,” when really it only is “chilly” by New England standards. For those of you not familiar, “chilly” is on a completely different magnitude than “cold”. Back East it gets cold, and THEN it gets so cold we need to make up phrases that don't even make any sense like “cold as a witch’s tit” or “balls ass cold”. BEFORE YOU EVEN ASK: yes, we really do say stuff like that all the time. Do you know how cold a witch’s tit is? If you said “no,” you have never been to Massachusetts in February before.
Another thing you can do is just wait until somebody complains about the ordinary California cold. This about as lucky as if you were missing an arm and somebody in the room complained because their arm hurt. It also presents a great opportunity to ask where they are from. If they are from some frigid place you can have a conversation about how the temperature is nothing in comparison to back home. Better yet instead of asking just "where are you from?" you can ask, specifically, if they are from the West Coast. This way if they are indeed from Central California they will immediately know just from asking this question you must be from a climate much harsher than anything they have ever experienced in their life. Also they will think you are really smart because you guessed where they are from just based on some offhanded comment they made about the weather.
Finally, if you are back at home in New England and you meet someone from a warm climate you can say “Just wait until the winter comes!” Another great thing to ask in this situation is “have you ever seen snow before?” You really should ask this at every opportunity you can get. If they say “no” you can tell them all about how freaking freezing it is about to get. If they say “yes”, however, people like this usually have all kinds of stories they normally don’t get to share because nobody even knows what snow is in warm places, I guess.
If they say “yes” but do not share a story you can just say “well, you haven't seen anything yet. Just wait until you see snow like this.” It doesn’t really matter how many years they have already been living in the Northeast because you are actually from New England so you have pretty much automatically survived more winters than they have, unless they’re super old, or something.
Other great topics of interesting conversations:
-How much exactly all the change you've ever dropped adds up to
-If you think life during the dinosaurs' time was basically the same
-How if you're an actor you probably have to be real close with your agent, when it comes down to it
-It's been forever since you both went to the movies
-How in heck is laundry detergent bad for the environment anyway?
Anyway, this stuff should be super helpful when you don’t know what to say to somebody from one of the warmer parts of the world. This might not seem helpful as you might think during your day to day life, but the moment you go on a trip you’ll see because you’ll be using this knowledge like, every day. Dr. Centeno,wikkawikka! out.
Formatted?: W Will do it
Edited?: Edit this please <3>Do we need to do something before it's finished?:
Image by Shannon May
